2010 Star Wars Champion: NORA JONES!!

 Aside from an frenchfry-fueled incident by Coach Tony Signore, everything went right for Nora Jones.  Why just today, a dejected Mark Ewing ordered up the Nora Jones CD which will be giving to Tony Signore, (at Ewing's expense) who is currently basking in the Florida sun until "the coast is clear for my return", clucked an excited Signore.  More to come later.   Nora Jones, OWWWWWWWWWWWW!! Third World!

"Im a Golden God!", said Tony Signore.

Tony Signore showed up at Death Star HQ dressed as a Nazi or something.  Singore set down with his TALL glass of pilsner.  As he handed off the Lord Vadar Trophy to Nora Jones, Dick Vitale asked Signore what the key to winning Star Wars was.  This is was Tony said: 

 
Thank you , The Star Wars Committee...ah, I'll be back next year......

The Vadar Trophy is between 01- Nora Jones and 05 Alejandro Escovedo!!!!

Saturday night results:

Nora Jones beats Drive by Truckers. 

Alejandro Escovedo beats KT Kunstall

KIA:  Drive by Truckers, KT Kunstall

Moving On Up:  Nora Jones, Alejandro Escovedo.
....................................................................................................................................................

Nora Jones is pretty hot.

Escovedo unmasked.  Needs to keep playing his good D.

Dick says Nora Jones will walk away with a Vadar.

The Prized Darth Vadar Trophy.

Tony (Ben Konobi) see a Nora Jones CD in his collection.  Hey Tony, Keep to the right.

Mark thinks the Escovedo can pull off the upset. 

 Frank Lalonde threatened the paparazzi as he left the Death Star Headquarters.

I can still see those sandy hills......

It was around 35 degrees at the start.  I believe this is about 20 minutes into the race, where the sandy hills came.  We lost a lot of men here.  Those of us that survived the race, don't like to talk about it.

Final Four in Place: All CDs are registered

Ah yes.  Mark Ewing has announced that IF KT Kunstall wins, the album of choice will be "Drastic Fantastic."  Tony Signore has clucked off that if Nora Jones wins, the CD of choice will be "Fall".  So here we go:  Below are the four finalists and the subsequent CDs....that one losing coach will buy for the winning coach.  Who will win?  I don't know.  "You don't know, let me write that down.  Mr Hand, will I pass  the class?  Well, Spicoli, I don't know!"

Final Four To Be Determined Today!

Sunday games:  South:  01-Nora Jones Vs 03- Leon Russell
                         Midwest:   05-KT Kunstall Vs 06-Foreigner
 
 Saturday results:  West:05-Alejandro Escovedo over 02-Ween
                            East: 02-Drive By Truckers over 01-Springsteen


Latest KIAs:  02-Raveonettes, 09-Hank Williams, 01-Warren Zevon
                      02-Ween, 01-Springsteen, 04-Beck, 10-Dire Straits,
                      12-Pink Floyd, 06-Sweet.
.............................................................................................................................................
Mark predicts:  Leon Russell over NJones, and Kunstall over Foreigner.

 Mark predicts the Finals:    Alejandro Escovedo over Drive By Truckers

HANK WILLIAMS IS ELIMINATED!!
    Don't worry comrades, Hank Williams is eliminated.  We at Star Wars HQ would like to thank KT Kunstall for getting rid of this drunken menace.   Hey Hank, Keep to the right you bastard.
.......................................................................................................
Transcript of Hank Williams leaving the St Louis region, probably heading to the nearest bar:

 Dick Vitale:  "Hey Hank, nice game, but you got drunk and then you lost.
Hank:  "Yeah....hic."
Dick Vitale:  Hey Hank, is that a Jack Russell Terrier you have with you?"
Hank: "You call me a Jack Russell, well You are a Jack Ass"
Dick Vitale:  "That's not what I said, Hank, you are much more of a Jack Ass than I am".
Hank: "You don't mean Jack Sh*t to me."
Dick Vitale:  "Shut up, F*** Sh*T Head, Jack *ff Ass".

02-Drive By Truckers in Final Four! Signore Fails to announce album of choice...

As the Final Four gets completed after today, it is the coache's duty to name the album of choice for that artist.  As of press time, Signore has failed to name the DBTrucker's album, but most people agree it is their new one which was just released, "The Big To-Do"...
   Great win for the Truckers, they took on 01-Bruce Springsteen and outplayed them for a chance to go to the Big Dance....."I'm cool with the Truckers over Springsteen", clucked a jubilant Tony Signore.

The Big To-Do is the eighth studio album by the alternative country band Drive-By Truckers, released on March 16, 2010. It is their first album released on ATO Records, which they signed to after completing their four album deal with New West Records. The album was recorded over three blocks of sessions resulting in 26 songs, which the band decided to split between The Big To-Do and its follow up Go-Go Boot's. [1] The Big To-Do marks the seventh Drive-By Truckers album produced by David Barbie.




Bandmember Patterson Hood said that it is "very much a rock album. Very melodic and more rocking than anything since disc 2 of Southern Rock Opera."[2]



Guitarist Mike Cooley commented on the development of the album, explaining that because he didn't have many songs to contribute when the band started working on the album he decided to focus on "being a player on everybody else's songs while still trying to come up with my own thing." He continued by saying that for him, the turning points in creating the album were working on the songs "You Got Another" and "The Flying Wallendas."

It makes no sense! It makes perfect sense! Alejandro Escovedo Makes Final Four! Ewing names album of choice as "The Boxing Mirror"

Great win for Alejandro!  While Mark Ewing admitted he slept through the game as a result of a grueling bicycle race, it was Tony Signore that texted Mark with the news of the result of the game.  05-Escovedo knocked off Ewing's 2-seeded Ween. 

  Alejandro, in a mask or something, was dancing around like a drunk stepping on cockroaches.  When asked how he planned to play his next opponent, Alejandro quoted the following: 


I stood out on the sidewalk when they busted through the door
And watched that Tito's jacket caught and had him by his arm,
You know the show of that thing nobody knows for sure
Because they found Nancy in her black underwear dead on the bathroom floor.(Ewing sang this line in unison with Escovedo at the concert)

And it makes no sense
And it makes perfect sense;
And it makes no sense
And it makes perfect sense


The Boxing Mirror Review:
Starting with the hollow, spectral whistle intro of opener "Arizona," Escovedo's seventh solo record is colored by his near-death brush with Hep C. He starts things here with a sneering suggestion to "Have another drink on me/ I've been empty since Arizona," and follows with his most accomplished collection. He's edgy and paranoid one minute ("Break This Time") and strumming a Spanish guitar with reflective adoration the next ("Evita's Lullaby"). Even where John Cale's tacky production clutters the message, Escovedo's fixation with death is a triumph.

Escovedo and his crew march into the NCAA Center to watch Kunstall-Foreigner game.

Ewing Loses his other Number One seed when Zevon bows to Escovedo

"Life Will Kill Ya", -(Tony Signore, commenting on Zevon's demise).

"No, not Warren Zevon.....please"-(Mark Ewing, talking to the television).

Ewing Butlered By Signore!




Escovedo coach Tony Signore summed things up succintly: "Mmmph..*gulp*...Fried!...Life will kill ya." After Escovedo totally dominated the Number-One ranked Warren Zevon, Ewing's half-time speech, which invoked images of Little-Rascal Alfalfa saying: "Hey, let's put on a show," put on an incredible come-back. Both teams seemed to favor a run and gun offense, opting for the low-percentage 3-pointer over the more sensible inside play. It was almost like watching video of CIA Predator Drones striking unintended targets. With bodies flying and falling all over, and fans crying for "More Blood!", WWE Emperor Vince McMahon was seen talking with MSW Emperor Ewing. This fueled rumors that the entire tournament "Has GOT to be real!" And in this thrilling game, both teams were winners - except that Emperor Ewing was, as Darth Vader said: "the lesser of two winners." Ewing was visibly shaken at the loss of his only surviving Number-One seed in MSW 2k10. "It was that damned drunked cowboy in the stands. I saw him talking with (Tony) Signore. They were stealing our signs. Plus, the damned twin-suns (of Tatooine) were in our eyes. We ran out of gas. The rats are in the corn. The cow's out of the woodshed.". The rambling continued for several hours, until a local veterinarian could be called. After shooting Ewing with "a mild tranquilizer", the limp form was ceremoniously carried out of the arena by Escovedo, on Signore's orders. In unrelated news, several people who'd witnessed the dismantling of the Zevon claimed they heard a ghostly cry of "No...Not Lake of the Clouds!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Lalonde, lifting an Idaho Cut Fry......

Manly Truckers Bitch-Slap Pansy Rocks



As Drive-By Truckers rolled past rookie coach Sandy Ewing's Kid Rock, Ewing could be heard telling her players to "Knock them on their punk ass! Stick 'em! Remember, if you're going to foul them...make it worth it." So, the Truckers appeared to constantly be jacked up by the Rock squad. "I've never seen anything like it since the Hannah Montana concert." Tony Signore told the three male cheerleaders following the game. "Ok...so who's up for some chat roulette...wha?...DAMNED THOSE MICROPHONES!" Emperor Ewing could be heard telling those same cheerleaders after Signore's appearance. Signore later added "If she wants to play with the boys, she's gonna have to learn how to cry like the boys...uh, I mean...uh...Boy, these fries are REALLY hot, aren't they?" Emperor Mark Ewing was said to be flying to Salt Lake City immediately "in order to pick up a few more wives", while Signore was flying to Germany "in order to pick up a few more choir boys."

Yes, Tony Signore is a man of the people, but he is also a man.......

Signore Claims Hank Williams To Release New LP

AP - Texas With the recent success that Hank Williams is having in the tournament, he (Hank Willaims) is releasing a new album, entitled, 'I Want to Party with You Cowboy'. Already considered a classic, the album is getting rave reviews. It includes songs that take him back to his country roots, such as "I Peed on my Leg" and "Don't Look at my Neck." Loaded with cascading guitar riffs, Hank really lets loose on this one. Yet Hank does have his sensitive side as he shows with two great ballads, "Asleep in my Bathtub" and "I Cut My Scrotum While Trimming My Pubic Hair (When I was Drunk)." Look for an early summer release party.

Tony Signore is also a man of the people.  Did you know that Tony has donated over 200 music files to the people of Haiti?  Yes he has!  Dinseer Gobadt (above) reacts in joy as she rips open a care package filled with rock 'n roll music files.  "When I win some songs in the song contest, I will often donate them to the kids of Haiti", says a proud Signore.  Why just the other day, I nailed "Bungle in the Jungle" by Jethro Tull.  I quickly donated it.  Somewhere out there, some kid in Haiti is eating a cricket and hearing some Tull!  I do it for the kids!"

.

2010 Stormtropper Award goes to.....PINK FLOYD!!!

At the Gala, Tony Signore followed this Stormtrooper around like a young puppy.

Pink Floyd Pinks up the 2010 Stormtrooper Award!!

Pink Floyd, almost an afterthought for Mark Ewing, entered the 2010 Stars Wars as just a 12-seed in the East.  Bruce Springsteen and The Drive By Truckers get all the press, and deservely so.  In the First Round of games, The Pink Floyd paired up with the 05-Radiohead.  Tony Signore had been talking quite a bit about wanting some more Radiohead, so the fans understood his ranking them at 5.  Pink Floyd beat the Radiohead.  Another brick....never mind.

   Floyd advanced to the next round.  04-The Fountains of Wayne were waiting for them like a mug.  It was a jump ball, and Pink Floyd got it.  They never looked back and won the game, eliminating Tony's 4th and 5th seeds in one weekend.  For their great play, the pick up a StromTrooper Award for the lowest seeded team advancing to the Sweet 16.   Pink Floyd has a tough task taking on 01- Bruce Springsteen, but some fans will watch anxiously for The Pink Floyd to ring the division bell.

   Honorable Mention: 

 11-Kid Rock:  knocking off 06-REM and 03-She&Him.  Good job to rookie coach Sandy Ewing as well; 

 

  09 Hank Williams: knocking off 08-Elvis Costello, but then the HUGE upset of 01-Devo.

  10- Dire Straits:   knocks off 07-Ray Wiley Hubbard, THEN upsets 02-Jackson Browne. 

 14-The Pretenders:  Big upset of 03Wilco in Round One, almost beat 06-Foreigner in round two.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 "Pink Floyd should be very proud", said Star Wars Grand Wizard Mark Ewing.  "They are now immortal like the former King of England Napoleon Bonaparte."                              

The Sweet 16 is Here! And How.

The Sweet 16:
....................................................................
Midwest:
 09 Hank Williams Vs 05- KT Kunstall

06- Foreigner Vs 02-The Raveonettes
...........................................................................
West:
  01-Warren Zevon Vs 05 Alejandro Escovedo

 06-The Sweet Vs 02- Ween
...................................................................
East
  01-Bruce Springsteen Vs 12-Pink Floyd

 11-Kid Rock Vs 02-Drive By Truckers
..............................................................
South
  01- Nora Jones Vs 04-Beck

  03-Leon Russell Vs 10-Dire Straits.

Frank Lalonde Gives Speech At McDonalds Lobby:

Frank Lalone:  He reads "People".  He reads "Us".

Midwest:



3rd Round:



The question on everyone's lips this week has been: "Who the F**K are K. T. Kunstall?" Well, people had better start wising up, because they're in the regional semi-final against the Hank "Sun Who" Williams Juniors. The Juniors, coming off a strong win over the Devo have apparently drawn the ire of Emperor Mark Ewing, who has vowed to "Do things to that hill-billy that were only HINTED at in 'Deliverance'". Security has been tightened around the arena in preparation for this matchup, seemingly against the wishes of Ewing. Ewing had issued a statement that the first 10,000 Kunstall fans at the game would be given a 'souvenire' 12-gauge shotgun, with 6 rounds of buckshot. I would say the odds are in favor of the Kunstall in this one. Kunstall 71, Hank 66



The Ravonettes will try to pick up the banner for their region from the fallen Devo squad. After dismantling new coach Frank LaLonde's "Fools" quintet, LaLonde spoke on the Ravonettes: "Are they good? I bet. Would they beat The Fools? I bet. Would I increase my bank account with this match? I bet." And the flip-side, The Foreigner were able to hold off The Pretenders, and bear watching. As Tony Signore pointed out following the game: "The ******' Pretenders just seemed to throw the ball up at random, not even trying to get near the bucket. **** them! **** them all! Oh, and did I say these pretzels ARE making me thirsty?" This is a tough call, but I'm going with the Ravonettes. Ravonettes 74, Foreigner 70



Kunstall over Hank (71-66)

Ravonettes over Foreigner (74-70)

----------

West:



3rd Round:



The Warren Zevon continue their quest for excellence against the Escovedo. Zevon (or, Zevo, as coach Mark Ewing refers to them, following The Devo's loss to 'that drunken cowboy' Hank Williams Junior) have been playing their usual steady game against proven opposition. The Escovedo seemed to luck out, facing The Tom Petty, who'd knocked off The Beatles in the opening round. I can't see Escovedo being anything more than a bump in the road for The Zevon. Warren 80, Escovedo 69



Ween has been cruising in their two games, while The Sweet somehow have made it into the "Sweet" Sixteen. It's hard to see The Sweet holding on against The Ween. Especially after their hard-earned victory against The Wall of Voodoo. I'm thinking they're going to have some bad mojo in their next game. Still, this could be one of the best games in the MSW 2k10 tournament. Ween 70, Sweet 65



Zevon over Escovedo (80-69)

Ween vs. Sweet (70-65)



----------

East:



3rd Round:



The Springsteen, led by coach Tony Signore, are gearing up to face a surprising Pink Floyd team. The Floyd have managed to storm past both Radiohead and The Wayne, but may be facing their hardest task in the tournament thus far. As Signore said after The Springsteen's victory over The Kiley: "Ain' no way no how no bushwhackin', horn-swagglin' SOB's gonna stop The Bruce. I can say from experience...we're on our way to Glory Hole...uh...Days...uh...DAMMIT, get that microphone out of here...There...that should hold the little bastards...WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE STILL BROADCASTING?!" Technical problems ended the interview. I'm going to have to go with The Springsteen here. Bruce 83, Floyd 71



New coach Ed Kruska seemed to take The Sunshine Band's loss to The Drive-By Truckers in stride. Even going so far as to offer his assistance in the booth for The Truckers' next game against another rookie coach, Sandy Ewing. Meanwhile, Sandy Ewing had just one thing to say about the Truckers: "F**K!" That may put an end to her chances for color commentary later in her career, but seemed to show the style of play expected from her Kid Rock team. As the only squad in the sweet-sixteen coached by a rookie, I'd really like to see Kid advance, but common sense finally tells me that "This is a man's game". Truckers 78, Rock 75



Springsteen over Floyd (83-71)

Truckers over Rock (78-75)

----------

South:



3rd Round:



Nora Jones is preparing to face off against a very tired Beck team. That should work for The Jones' advantage. After Emperor Ewing refused The Stones' request for new colors in the key ("Those idiots wanted us to paint it black."), it seemed that The Jones' were ready to rock and roll. As for The Beck, they had to work late into the night, finally beating The Yoakam in overtime. I'd have to go with The Jones'...IF I were a betting person. Jones 90, Beck 68



Stormtroopers, as well as Rebel Alliance pilots are still amazed at the performance of the Dire Straits. After taking care of Roy Wiley Hubbard, they then proceeded to take down Tony Signore's Jackson Browne - the number-2 seed in the southern region. Can the run continue? Well, let me tell ya...I don't think so. Leon Russell has been playing solid hoops in their two games, and when the fat lady sings, I think the only ones who'll still be standing will be The Russells. Leon Russell 78, Dire Straits 71.



Jones over Beck (90-68)

Leon Russell over Dire Straits (78-71)

----------





++++++++++++++++++++++++

========================

++++++++++++++++++++++++



LaLonde Laments, Kruska Kommiserates, SEwing Swoons



The rookie coaches, who all were successful at advancing past the first round in the MSW 2k10 tournament, have different takes on the extravaganza.



Frank LaLonde, who led The Fools to a devastating loss at the hands of The Ravonettes, seemed to take things in stride: "At least I made about $267.30...before AND after taxes." On being asked if he actually bet against his team said: "I'd be a Fool if I didn't."



Ed Kruska, who's Sunshine Band finally stalled against The Drive-By Truckers, was disappointed that he wouldn't meet fellow rookie Sandy Ewing's Kid Rock Five. However, Kruska mentioned that "She'd probably kill me..." if that had happened.



Sandy Ewing, who drove her Kid Rock squad like a Roman Battle Galley, would only sneer at anyone who mentioned the fact that "Well, she's a girl...she'll learn...Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?...I'm just kidding..." (mentioned by Emperor Mark Ewing, who tittered like a schoolgirl as he snuck off the podium before Sandy Ewing took center-stage). "I'll just have to show them all who's got the biggest balls of all." Said Sandy Ewing.

Tony Signore Gives Speech from Guadalcanal

Midwest Bracket - - Hank Williams! That beautiful drunken bastard! KD Lang is just too beat up....too bad....like the sound of a whiskey bottle being open...look for Hank to win in a squeaker....




Ravonettes over Foreigner ..hate the Foreigner ...







West - Zevon and Ween are clearly the teams to beat here...but don't discount Escovedo..he may warm up wearing a mask....



East - Everyone knows we will see a Springsteen / Truckers final....Kid Rock has shown a lot of moxie...knocking off She and Him as well as REM...but take off the cinderella slippers...Floyd will get crushed..."We're just happy to be here." A lot like when the cubs or twins get into the playoffs...nothing really happens after that...



South - I keep writing off the Beck..and they just won't die...they stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast..but Norah Jones has experience...shes been in dog fights before...don't let her sleepy soothing style of play fool you....she is strong...bye bye Beck



The Dire Straight has no chance against the powerful Leon Russell....by half time...He GONE!





That's all for now....i don't know about the art of war...but i do know this...keep your friends close... your enemies closer..and stay the hell away from Hank Williams when he is on a bender...





T

The skilful employer of men will employ the wise man, the brave man, the covetous man, and the stupid man. (Sun Tzu)

The Sweet 16 so far:

Midwest:  9-Hank Williams, 6- Foreigner

West:  5- Alejandro Escovedo, 2- Ween

East:  1-Bruce Springsteen, 11- Kid Rock

South:  3-Leon Russell, 10-Dire Straits.

Note:  11-Kid Rock can clinch 'The Stormtrooper Award (lowest rated team in the Sweet 16) today...unless 12-Pink Floyd beats 4-Fountains of Wayne. 
.....................................................................................................................................................

'Night of Broken Glass' knocks 1-rated Devo out of Star Wars, Leads to possible rule change...

Hank Williams.  Hey Hank, nice uniform you frickin' drunken redneck. 


Hank Williams beat Devo.  Game over.  Known as 'The Night of Broken Glass",  a very drunk Hank Williams came in and beat Devo, the highest ranked team in this year's Star Wars. 

(pictured above:  Kids watch as Hank William's home burns to the ground)

 Police first blamed Devo fans for starting the deadly blaze, but later found out that a drunken Hank Williams fell asleep(Porky Pig style)  on the floor while waiting for a Swanson's Chicken Pot Pie to cook in his oven.  Hank Williams attempted to put the flame out with his own urine, but somehow the alcohol content in the urine actually fed the flames.

Star Wars Grand Wizard Mark Ewing was not amused.  "First of all, I hate the Hank Williams.  He is a drunken idiot.  A complete moron.  I can't believe Devo is eliminated! I could cry. Tony Signore has asked for a rule change to be put in where one can ban up to two groups of your opponent's lists.  I think this rule is gonna go in starting next year.  We need to keep the vermin like F**** Hank F**** Williams out of Star Wars, the blind too....."


"Those aren't baseball fans...." Al Kaline


"F****** Kids", Bill Freehan as heard by Mark Ewing

Ewing studies the teachings of Sun Tzu

Pretend inferiority and encourage his arrogance. --Sun Tzu

Tony Signore, walking into a trap set by Mark Ewing.  Signore thought he was being honored for getting Tom Petty into Round Two.  Instead, Alejandro Escovedo was waiting for Tom Petty and a few of The  Heartbreakers.  Tom Petty was cut down like a weed on the plain.  He was slaughtered and eliminated.  Alejandro Escovedo moved on into The Sweet 16, where Mark Ewing picked up a beautiful award.

"Tony, where's your suit?"........ Frank Lalonde, (not the first time Frank has says this phrase).

"Tony, don't forget to come to your awards banquet suited".......Mark Ewing.

"I will probably get a statue of myself, shaking hands with the Tom Petty...".....Tony Signore.



Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. .........Sun Tzu.

 General Ewing has really sacked Tony's Eastern region.  Where Signore should have 8 teams still in the hunt, Ewing has whittled it down to 4.  KIA for Tony:  Jenny Lewis, Raiohead, REM, Yo La Tango. 

Pink Floyd, Kid Rock, Rilo Kiley, and KC & the Sunshine Band have advanced into Syracuse, New York....where they will continue to fight to the DEATH.  Bruce Springsteen is being surrounded.

Tony Signore:  None too happy with the early exit of his Number-Two Seeded Jackson Browne.

'Say a prayer for the Pretender, who started off so young and strong...only to surrender...", Jackson Browne

"I'll be a happy idiot, as I struggle for the legal tender",  Jackson Browne.

"I'll be a happy idiot"....Tony Signore, (nervously singing along as he thought he heard a noise in the right flank)

Dire Straits in the Sweet 16! Knocks out 2-Jackson Browne!!!

10-Dire Straits becomes the first team into the Sweet 16, knocking off heavily favored 2-Jackson Browne!  Straits will now wait to play the winner of the 3-Leon Russell/11-Niko Case game.  Mark Ewing was very happy.  "Being a life-long Dire Straits fan, I have almost always got them into The Star Wars.  I saw them in concert at Pine Knob and when I went into a party store before the show, a black man asked me what all the hoopla was about.  I said, we are gonna see Dire Straits.  And the colored man said, "yeah, I love the Desire Straits, they are good!"  So from that point on, I am sometimes seen as calling them Desire Straits too." 
  Ewing was not so happy with Jackson Browne.  "He has been a lower seed a few times in the Star Wars.  A few days ago, he almost lost to Blondie....and now, this is what happens. Jack Browne, get out of town.  Tony Signore will NOT be getting "The Pretender", like he sorta thought he had a chance to...."

Signore Gets HBO, shouts out "Stephen Bishop" at Malarkys

Signore: "We'll climb that hill once we get to the top."




In a time-delayed speech, Coach Tony Signore told a local group of carpet-cleaners that "It's *expletive* great to see all you fries...uh...guys again." The time-delay was mandated by Emperor Ewing a few days ago, after Signore uttered a profanity as he was pulling his pants back up after realizing he wasn't wearing underware. Signore then proceeded to raise him thumb...unfortunately it was to his nose, with his fingers making a flittering motion.



"I think we're all agreed (**stage whisper: snipers ready?**) that my extreme training method of riding bicycles down-hill would be great, except for having to first riding UP those same hills. Am I right? There it is...the fries...uh...ayes have it." Signore added.



As Signore leads his teams further into the MSW tournament, he promises "We have a big surfries...uh...prise in store for Ewing and company...including his hills...uh...shills. Ah...cottage...my favorite...**smarf**...ah, is that Stephen Bishop?  Objection? Noted?"

Frank Lalonde.  Star Wars Guru measures the trajectory of a Bruce Sprinsteen foul shot. It will be used later on to predict a win or a loss, or something completely different.  

The KC & Sunshine Band Report

Kruska promises: Superhero capes for all




As new coach Ed Kruska prepares his Sunshine Band for their next game, the question on everyone's lips is: "You gonna eat those garbonzo beans?" After a first-round victory, Center K.C. maintained that "I have NO idea what we're doing, and that's the way...uh huh, uh huh, I like it...uh huh, uh huh." Meanwhile, Kruska has busily been preparing to celebrate his first tournament win, with a special ladies' night extravaganza.



"I promise...Superhero capes for all!" proclaimed Kruska to a vast empty shuttle-bay. "Bright red is the color of victory...the color of blood, the color of stop-signs." At this point, several of the Death Star's newly formed Psi-Squad (which Emperor Ewing says is short for Press-Squad-Information, but many believe stands for Psychiactric) climbed onto the podium and politely helped Kruska into a brand new jacket. The press noted how they may need to 'bring those sleeves in a bit.'

Ewing takes on Him (and She)..."Rock Rulz"




New coach Sandy Ewing refuses to believe the words of Emperor Mark Ewing: "Women don't know nuthin' 'bout nuthin'...'specially hoops."



"What would HE know about it. The damned testosterone level in the Death Star is maddening. They need to 'Nut up or Shut up'." Sandy Ewing told a couple of kids standing need the press podium. "Something needs to be done...maybe bring in a Mike Riley, he could probably use a job." said Sandy.



Fools coach LaLonde refused to reply to that comment, due to a raging fit of laughter. "Gad, this wouldn't be a male-dominated sport if men weren't in it...doesn't that dame know anythin'?"



Coach Tony Signore also took the fifth...this time selecting the fine bar-vodka stocked in the nearby R2-D2 units. Signore had nothing to say, since he'd just broken the Guinness (sp?) world record for most french fries sticking out of his facial orifices (including the chin-cleft).



New coach Ed Kruska also declined an interview, stating: "Man...she'd KILL me."

Frank Predicts Second Round!

LaLonde Looks Lost


===============

Midwest:

** So Hank Williams is riding high in the saddle after lulling Costello to sleep. They're going to have their work cut out against a strong Devo squad. Devo seems to constantly set their own pace, and without any rhythm that human beings can detect. Devo 89, Hank Williams 72

** I'm doing a flip-flop and deciding to vote FOR health ca...uh...Kunstall to pop a cap in the Warhols' asses. Spinning my luck chicken nugget (which looks exactly like the United States, only backwards), I see the score being Kunstall 77, Warhols 74

** After being totally screwed up by Grand Moff Tarkin's so-called selections, I've decided that the Dark Side doesn't know rat-spit about basketball. I'm going to have to pick the alie...uh Foreigner to top the Masque...uh Pretenders. Foreigner 69, Pretenders 62

** After starring at the entrails of a popcorn shrimp, I still have to say that my team, The Fools, are going to approach this as just another game. But...IF I was a betting person, and IF I knew a bookie, and IF I knew I could get away with it legally, I'd have to put my $289.63 on the Ravonettes. Ravonettes 81, Fools 69





2nd Round (original picks):

Devo over Costello

Warhols over Kunstall

Wilco over Antebellum

Ravonettes over Fools



2nd Round (updated picks):

Devo over Hank (89-72)

Kunstall over Warhols (upset) (77-74)

Foreigner over Pretenders (69-62)

Ravonettes over Fools (81-69)

=====================

West:

** Well, Zevon seems to be a very excitable team to watch, and that should still apply to their match-up against Mudcrutch. While I still find it hard to believe Lucinda dropped their game (and I'll have to talk to Fat Mike O'Reilly about that), I'm not really impressed with Mudcrutch like I was in the past. This should be a nice relaxing cruise for Warren and the gang. Zevon 91, Mudcrutch 71

** I think Tom Petty and his team are in for a heartbreak, and is ready for that ill-fated last-dance. Escovedo seems to play a strong game off the bench, and I believe this to be a tune-up for them to reach the sweet sixteen. Escovedo 78, Petty 70

** Another flip-flop on my part. With this game being broadcast over NPR, I'm sure the entire Central-American region will be listening closely. And Wall of Voodoo seems to run past their opponents just like they're walking with zombies. Wall of Voodoo 80, Sweet 76

** Ween's approach to this game reminds me of Conan (the Barbarian, not O'Brien): Janson...Starr...the same. I don't really see anyone challenging Ween this early in the tournament. Ween 90, Ringo Starr 76



2nd Round (original picks):

Zevon over Lucinda

Beatles over Escovedo

Sweet over Voodoo

Ween over Janson



2nd Round (updated picks):

Zevon over (Gonzaga) (91-71)

Escovedo over Petty (78-70)

Voodoo over Sweet (80-76)

Ween over Ringo (90-76)

===============

East:

** The Springsteen plays like Murder, Inc. I really don't think they even notice opponents on the floor, just tiny figures which get in the way now and then, blocking the way to the hoop. I don't think it's a stretch to say Springsteen could be playing in the Death Star. Springsteen 89, Kiley 71

** Another instance of me changing my mind (could the force be with me?). I'm impressed with the quality of Radiohead's play down the stretch. I can't see Wayne standing in their way. Radiohead 72, Wayne 68

** Well, I totally blew these selections. I must say that She and Him seem to play like two different teams. I think they can get their act together before they take on the "American Bad-Asses". She and Him 73, Kid Rock 69

** I'm still stunned by the game-plan that Kruska put together in the Sunshine Band's opener. It seemed noirish, and that's K.C.'s secret. Unfortunately, the secret's out, and I think the Truckers will roll yet again. Truckers 92, Sunshine Band 80



2nd Round (original picks):

Springsteen over Lewis

Wayne over Radiohead

REM over Seger

Truckers over Sunshine



2nd Round (updated picks):

Springsteen over Kiley (89-71)

Radiohead over Wayne (upset) (72-68)

She over Rock (73-69)

Truckers over Sunshine (92-80)

===================

South:

** I really didn't think the Stones would be feasting like they were at Satan's Banquet table, but they're for real. It might be their experience which I'm banking on (theoretically...IF I were a betting person). I'm thinking Jones is going down (figuratively). Stones 78, Jones 76

** O.k. I'm again changing my pick. I'm probably doing it because, well, I just don't like Beck. And Dwight Yoakam brings that 'something special' to the tournament. Yoakam 74, Beck 71

** I just can't make a strong Case for Niko. It's for that reason I'm picking Leon Russell. Maybe it's that hair-style the Russells' are sporting. Maybe it's that high pitch their fans make after every good play. Whatever. Russell 75, Case 70

** Dire Straits' fans are probably betting all their money for nothing in this game. Jackson Browne and his entourage often leave their opponents runnin' on empty, and I don't see the situation changing in the near future. Browne 89, Straits 72



2nd Round (original picks):

Jones over Edmunds

Beck over Yoakam

Jacket over Russell

Browne over Hubbard



2nd Round (updated picks):

Stones over Jones (upset) (78-76)

Yoakam over Beck (74-71)

Russell over Case (75-70)

Brown over Straits (89-72)

Big Showdown Game: The (10) Fools Knock off (7) Led Zeppelin. Fools to play(2) Ravonettes in Round Two

LaLonde Loses Lucrative Lucky List, Looking Lost.




Frank LaLonde, coach of The Fools, was dumb-struck following the results of the opening round in Music Star Wars 2010. Though his team somehow advanced, despite his on-court antics, he seemed to be in a daze. This may have been due to the mandatory team meal, which included raw bhut jolokia, and might also explain the watery eyes.



Holding aloft a glass of milk, and referring to it as "Lindsay's lactating laxative", LaLonde coughed and sputtered through his post-game press-conference. "We'...**hack, cough**...e made it to the next rou...**choke**...nd, and with the earnings from my...well...**ahem**...'friendly' wager, this has al...**sputter...**...ready been a profitable experience. Off-the record...**WOW...more bhut jolokia for my wasabi...**...a person would have to be a Fool to bet on my team against...**chk.hhkkkk...hhhaaaackkk**...The Ravonettes. Well, as I've always said: 'A Fool, am I! I'll show YOU a Fool!'..." LaLonde then proceeded to urinate in a near-by cup, unfortunately forgetting to unzip his fly, and also unfortunately forgetting the onlooking reporters.



The Press then plied LaLonde with questions, as follows:



"Why did you throw that jar of horseradish at the referee?"

--"Why do you THINK I did? You think I did...**cough...MORE BHUT!**...that without a good reason?"

"Well, yes, it DID seem like an odd thing to do"

--"Well, let me tell ya...sometimes you chase the dragon, and sometimes the dragon chases you. It's like playing Donkey-Kong, with barrels just coming at you...**Chokkkeee...ah...the Amontillado!**...You're scared, and you wish you were home, and with your girl. Well, you AIN'T...and you AIN'T gonna be unless you pelt them bastards with everything you've got!"

"Uh...but that still doesn't explain the horseradish..."

--"No, I don't suppose it does...Next question...?"

"Do you think it was fair for your players to rub bhut jolokia peppers in the eyes of Robert Plant?"

--"Yes, absolutely...It's like in the Navy: The Great Prince issues commands, founds feasts...inferior people should not be employed. Next question...?"



At that moment, LaLonde suddenly went pale, and started chanting: "O friend and companion of night, thou who rejoicest in the baying of dogs and spilt blood, who wanderest in the midst of shades, among the tombs, who longest for blood and bringest terror to mortals, Gorgo, Mormo, thousand-faced moon, look favourably on our sacrifices!" Then, LaLonde thrust a steak knife into a near-by egg McMuffin. He then pulled out his cell-phone, and apparently sent a quick text message. Co-incidentally, shortly after that, a security Storm-trooper came into the area and said they'd received notice of a bomb-threat having been sent to the Death Star, and everyone had to evacuate...

Dire Straits knocks out Ray Wiley Hubbard!

The night before the match, Frank Lalonde walked into the Mcdonals, grabbed a Fry and predicted: 

"Hubbard over Straits--Hubbard should be able to bump the Straits off early."

 Perhaps Hubbard was resting on his 2009 Star Trooper Award, but Mark Knopfler and crew took Hubbard to the shed and came out in victory.  Next up for Dire Straits is the Jackson Browne, who narrowly escaped with a win over 15-Blondie.

"Blondie almost took out my 2-seed, man she played hrad (sic)", said Tony Signore.

13-Tom Petty Stops 4-The Beatles at the buzzer for huge upset!

What?  Every first day brings the upset....and look what happened here......Tom Petty has beaten The Beatle.......
..............................................................................................................................................................

The quotes


"Yeah, the Beatles over Tom Petty...my boys should take him down without even getting our hair mussed", (Mark Ewing on the eve of the match.)

"Beatles over Petty--Experience definitely goes to The mop-tops, and they should easily cruise past Petty"
(Said by Star Wars Guru, Francis Lee Lalonde)

"Of course I want French Frys, why wouldn't I want French Frys?"- (Tony Signore)

........................................................................................................................................................



Yes, Tom Petty took out Mark Ewing's highly rated 4-Beatles today!  "I couldn't decide if I wanted "Yellow Submarine" or "Rubber Soul", well it doesn't matter anymore, the 4 lads met there early exit at the hands of Tom Petty.  "I wonder what album Tony has in mind, ya know, he doesn't even have an album picked out, he is pretty shocked himself, I bet.", said a shaken Mark Ewing.  Petty will play the winner of the Shins/Escovedo.  At press time, Escovedo, (yes, wearing a mask), was down early....

Dick Vitale Picks Star Wars Sweet 16

Dickie V's Sweet 16 - March 15, 2010


My final one now that the NCAA tourney teams are set, and let me tell ya, I got some real sleepers in there, baby....I got The Mudcrutch, I got The Foreigner, hey look out for Ringo Starr too!

Devo
Bruce Springsteen
Nora Jones
Drive By Truckers
The Raveonettes
Warren Zevon
Ween
Alejandro Escovedo
Radiohead
KJ Kunstall
Ringo Starr
Jackson Browne
Mudcrutch
Beck
Foreigner
The Dandy Warhols

Lalonde Talks Some Orange Ball, Picks Ween to beat Springsteen in Finals

LaLonde's Lucrative Lucky List

Play-in:

Floaters over Bo Donaldson & The Haywood) (upset)--If you want to pick upsets, may as well start early. I can't help but think The Floaters will be in the big dance (at least until they become wall-flowers after the first round). (Ed. note:  Bo Donaldson beat the shit out of The Floaters in the play-in game)



Midwest:



Devo over Dixie Chicks--What better way to show the fans that they're men, than by knocking the Chicks off.

Elvis Costello over Hank Williams--I'm going with the age factor here (though it's probably going to be close).

Kunstall over Cooper--This really tears my heart, but I can't in good faith think that Cooper can hang against Kunstall. (Ed note:  Frank this is Ry Cooder, not Alice Cooper, lol)

Warhols over Dylan--The Warhols should blow past Dylan easily.

Antebellum over Foreigner (upset)--I can't help but think that Foreigner is over-rated. That's why I've got to go with Antebellum.

Wilco over Pretenders--Signore's going to be hard-pressed to keep The Pretenders in this game. Roger? Wilco!

Fools over Zeppelin (upset)--This may be slightly biased, but I really believe that The Fools can soar past the Zeps.

Ravonettes over Thompson--The Ravonettes should send Thompson packing.



Follow-up predictions (subject to change):



2nd Round:

Devo over Costello

Warhols over Kunstall

Wilco over Antebellum

Ravonettes over Fools



3rd Round:

Devo over Warhols

Ravonettes over Wilco



Regional Final:

Devo over Ravonettes

----------

West:



Zevon over Harrison--Warren should be able to pump the ol' shotgun into Harrison's ass (no innuendo intended).

Lucinda Williams over Mudcrutch (upset)--Lucinda has the experience to pull off an upset here.

Escovedo over Shins--I can't explain why, but Escovedo impresses me in this group.

Beatles over Petty--Experience definitely goes to The mop-tops, and they should easily cruise past Petty.

Sweet over Blind Boys--With some mixed feelings, I've got to go with Sweet, since the Blind Boys left a bad taste in Kunstall's mouth.

Voodoo over Young--I sense bad mojo for Young in this match-up.

Peter Yorn & Scarlett Johanssen over Ringo Starr(upset)--Though Ringo's up for the challenge, I give the edge to Janson.

Ween over Parker--It's hard not to pick Ween in this warm-up.



Follow-up predictions (subject to change):



2nd Round:

Zevon over Lucinda Williams

Beatles over Escovedo

Sweet over Voodoo

Ween over Yorn&Johanssen



3rd Round:

Zevon over Beatles

Ween over Sweet



Regional Final:

Ween over Zevon (upset)

----------

East:



Springsteen over Cray--I don't think Cray belongs in the same state as the Bruce.

Lewis over Kiley--Lewis looks to make some noise, while Kiley's simply being noisy.

Radiohead over Floyd--Radiohead should be able to hold off the Floyd's.

Wayne over Yeah--I've got to go with Wayne in this match-up.

REM over Rock--The Kid's still got a lot to learn against the big boys.

Seger over She&Him (upset)--This is my major-reach pick. I think She and Him really haven't earned their high-ranking.

KC & Sunshine Band over Tengo (upset)--Kruska has shown some innovative game-plans, and that could be problematic for Tengo.

Truckers over Angel--Truckers should leave Angel flat.



Follow-up predictions (subject to change):



2nd Round:

Springsteen over Lewis

Wayne over Radiohead

REM over Seger

Truckers over Sunshine



3rd Round:

Springsteen over Wayne

Truckers over REM



Regional Final:

Springsteen over Truckers

----------

South:



Jones over Play-in (Floaters?)--This should be a good warm-up for Jones.

Edmunds over Stones (upset)--Edmunds won't let the moss grow under their feet.

Yoakam over Lowe--Yoakam should be able to 'Git er done'.

Beck over Lennon--Who doesn't like Beck? A lot of people. But I don't think Lennon can pull this one off.

Jacket over Case--Many would pick Case in this game, but I'm going with Jacket.

Russell over Tennille--In a struggle of sopranos, I'll have to take Russell.

Hubbard over Straits--Hubbard should be able to bump the Straits off early.

Browne over Blondie--Browne has been strong down the stretch, and should show it in this game.



Follow-up predictions (subject to change):



2nd Round:

Jones over Edmunds

Beck over Yoakam

Jacket over Russell

Browne over Hubbard



3rd Round:

Jones over Beck

Browne over Jacket



Regional Final:

Browne over Jones (upset)

----------

Semi-Final:

Ween over Devo (upset)

Springsteen over Browne (upset)

----------

Final:

Ween over Springsteen (upset)

Selection Sunday is Here!

People from all over will be glued to their TV's this Sunday as the Star Wars selection committee reveals which teams get attached to which college team.  Hang on to your hats.   Pictured above are some unidentified dorks who went nuts when they found out Foreigner had make the Star Wars last year.

Drive By Truckers makes new album for purpose of getting into the Star Wars

NEW YORK (Billboard) – As Drive-By Truckers prepare for the release Tuesday (March 16) of their album "The Big To-Do," its follow-up is practically in the can.


"Go Go Boots" will feature songs recorded concurrently with "The Big To-Do" as part of a prolific explosion from the Southern rock group's three songwriters -- Patterson Hood, Mike Cooley and Shonna Tucker.

Mark Ewing Sees Devo as the team to beat in 2010.

Ewing showed up in a Devo T shirt and pulled out a very large French Fry.  Ewing stated "Devo is the team this year.  I want them to show the world that no one will stand in their way no matter that they be white or colored, religious or not so much.  I am feeling pretty good about the Devo...pretty, pretty good...."

Lalonde to make Final Four Predictions

Star Wars Guru Francis Lee Lalonde will be on hand this year to make his annual predictions.  Lalonde is pictured (above) last year, outside Hooters, where he correctly predicted She & Him would go very far.  He also correctly predicted he would order two pizzas later on that night. 

Signore To Make French Fry Predictions.....

Tony Signore showed up at the Corner Bar in Rockford, Michigan where he ordered a coke, a 20-ounce (large) beer and the California Ruben Sandwich.  When asked if he was having french fries, Signore stormed back with his response, "Why wouldn't I have french fries?"  After tensions were calmed down, Signore predicted many things, all of which became wrong...then went into his Harry Carey impressions for an agonizing 47 minutes.  This is how he spends his Saturdays.

KT Kunstall

KT Tunstall, a very high-seeded rookie....

Star Wars Transactions to end on 13Mar10.

The Star Wars Seeds will be locked into place later on today. Will Signore put any more huge changes before the deadline?

When asked how he feels about his chances in the star wars tourny leon russell had this to say..."It's scary ya know...kind feel like I'm up on the tightwire...flanked by life and the funeral pyre,putting on a show ..for you to see."Then he held up a rubber-necked giraffe and made this prediction....."We may surprise a few teams..."

Breaking News: Dave Edmunds to replace Black Keyes(conduct detrimental to Star Wars) at 9 seed in Mark Ewing bracket. Mark Ewing thinks he may have finally arrived at his final slot change. "Dave Edmunds, what can you say, I was listening to XM radio the other day when Edmunds came on. I thought, man, I have gots to get this guy in. You know I almost went for Robert Palmer, but I think Edmunds can really be a force, right now I can actually see him taking the StormTrooper Award", said Ewing

Signore Gets Leon Russell, Tom Petty back in The Star Wars!

Leon Russell

Tony Signore, on 11Mar10, announced two more revisions to his Star Wars list:

ryan adams out (recruiting violations)....leon russell in.

Ararcade fire out (point shavings scandal) .....tom petty in

"remember boys..character counts....i'm looking for club-house leaders, teams that want to "play-ball"...can be counted on when things get tough..this isn't money for nothin'...you don't get chick for free...", clucked Signore.

Time running out on Govt Mule? The cut-off is days away, and The Mule is on the brink. That late season loss to The Archies is really haunting them.